You stole her bday cake and shared it with drunk strangers on the street.
How can people commit suicide when things like bagels exist
I think I used your jacking off shit when I showered. I couldn't see shit, it was all oily. Fuck power outages
He puked on the grill while the burgers were on. We had to go to taco bell
After he finished his girlfriend called him. I sat there, tied his shoes for him, then he high fived me and said "this is gonna be a great summer steph"
You gave me balls I gave you half a boob. Fair trade
Slept with my first Irish dude before I even got off the plane. Dublin has no idea what I have in store for it.
I tried to talk to him, but he didn't recognize me at first. I had to show him the top of my head and then he remembered.
I played "in the air tonight" on a drum set made of titties, and I'm not even exaggerating
But in fairness, I would totally have a robo-penis as long as it had full sensation.
I can't wait to see you again...not a euphemism, just really looking forward to seeing you. Wanting to fuck you as often as possible just seems implied at this point.
Apparently she broke up w/ her bf like 3 weeks ago. She actually called me to be her bday hookup cause she's single now. Patience- the virtue that occasionally pays off.
if you arent using your penis to save lives, then what good is it?
We have a great relationship based on communication, sex, and mutual loathing.
Curing hangovers with more alcohol was a great idea for the first five days
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