Every time my boyfriend threatens to commit suicide I change my relationship status as "widowed".
I was just texting to see if your vagina was working yet.
Day two of taking my adderall. I just organized the pantry and alphabetized my dvds. I've missed my mind on drugs
I couldn't be mad. She was crying because she fell bare ass into the rose bush trying to pee. So I held her up mid-stream and she peed on my feet. No big
How drunk is she?
She's trying to French braid the dogs hair, there's no stopping her
I threw up this morning to Silent Night playing in background. It was actually quite soothing.
So I'm getting really old. I feel asleep for a booty call that I initiated. The struggle is real.
My stuff that was at your place last night smells like doughnuts. I'm not even mad.
Like you haven't hit rock bottom until you have had to throw your own turd out a window
I have to tell him to stop eating me out so I'm not late for work; my life could be a lot worse.
Idk I think he's weird but he's also from Wisconsin so that might have something to do with it.
Apparently I was walking around with a slice of bread and wine saying, "Jesus would have wanted this." 🙄 🍞🍷
Wine. Check.\nDino chicken nuggets. Check.\n#IssaParty
I was taking a nap and she comes in wo/ pants, gets up on the bed and mounts my face while watching Weeds on Netflix. I'm okay with it, but at least let me wake up first.
What use have I for dignity? It just get's in the way of the really fun stuff.
Randomize
