You know the @ sign on twitter? i wish there was one of those in real life so that the smokin' hot guy at the bar would know the slutty unbuttoning of my shirt was directed @ him, not @ his friend who looks like Mickey Rourke post-face melting
Hes a 32 yr old divorced sailor that calls me almost every night drunk begging me to call him big daddy. I think i might need to change my number.
Apparently when he woke up I was tripping my face off. Everytime the cat meowed I would meow back. This went on for several hours.
My poor mother should have just stuffed me back up her vagina when she had the chance.
Just fucked in his moms tanning bed. While it was on. Weirdest. Tan. Ever.
If im still in the bathroom puking when the sirens go off please distract the cops.
you screamed santa and jumped in front of 50 kids to tell him you wanted a bong for christmas.
I ended up on the roof were calling it a tie
i don't care if its just a preseason game, my pick up a guy and suck him off in the bathroom skills are in midseason form
My day may involve a drug pinata. I LOVE MY LIFE.
We had to go. She called the bartender a thundercunt.
Are you saying being a wizard and going to hogwarts wouldn't be life changing, believe in magic you fucking muggle
I just blew thrown up hashbrowns out my nose. That's the level of this hangover.
I was told I was gorgeous and a whore by the drag queens. My night is complete.
I woke up remembering only that I got pulled over by a cop, then looked over and found that same cop, naked.
Randomize
