we just made rock paper scissors into a drinking game
Just saw the first guy i ever slept with in drag. I can hear my grandfather saying "i knew she was a lesbian" somewhere
We tried to get a ride from the same firefigters that were turning off the fire alarm going off at our house.
She said, "I don't really go out much, but my husband recently cheated on me" and I don't remember anything after that.
You wouldnt be able to explain the can of green beans in my mailbox, would you?
I need to shotgun another beer. Where's the machete?
Is a 'Dr. Willy Fister Gynecologist' costume appropriate for work?
WHY IS FOOD SO DELICIOUS
BECAUSE SCIENCE
I just sat on the floor of my shower for 20 minutes to punish myself for drunk me's decisions.
I felt like I was having sex with Joffrey from Game of Thrones. Needless to say how bad it was
The morning after your company Xmas party and that moment you're eating a block of cheese in bed wearing a sequin blazer and recalling all the details of your one night stand with a coworker who happened to start that day...fuck.
He's giving me the absolute bare minimum amount of attention. Like whatever motherfucker, I've had like six super likes on tinder today
GIIIIRL I AM STONED AF AND I HAVE A HOMEMADE POT PIE IN THE OVEN THIS PARTY IS LIT.
Would you be opposed to me keeping a live lobster in the shower for a bit?
Convinced if I was being murdered in my house no one would come and save me. If no one heard my 10000000 orgasms last night, there is no hope.
Randomize
