i just sent this text using only my big toe
The professor just announced to the class that I talked to him in the bar on my birthday.
got hammered last night, woke up this morning to 38 texts that varied from "you fucking asshole" to "i can be there in 10 minutes"
Can you deep fry cheerios do you know? crucial question
My lab manual has instructions for making home wine. Room project?
They want me to get them some X for there wedding present. I'm on the way to get it now
ill give you the fast version. Hooked up with 17 year old coworker while housestting for my boss
Highlight of the night: paying my cell phone bill at the bar... I need to get laid.
Hey, if I'm gonna bastard a child and ruin his life, I'm going balls out.
the last time I drank tequila I ended up riding your skateboard nude down the street... so yeah, I'll have a few shots.
Did you just send me an ass picture with a quote from the lion king?
What are you gonna do about it?
I just got home and someone ate all my chicken nuggets. Bitches be asking for a death sentence?
Kids I used to babysit are now fuckable members of my social media periphery.. Getting old sucks
u woke up and asked who took ur pants off then realized u did n almost cried over not gettin layed
Are you ok? Who pooped in my office?
Randomize
