Fuck u you updated twitter but didn't answer my text
I know you're alive
put your butt on the phone this is a booty call
do you know why "how to shave your balls" is bookmarked on my computer?
Deadliest Catch is NOT foreplay
We woke up, fucked, and shared a piece of my sister's first communion cake for breakfast.
And you thought you were going to hell last weekend.
It's alright she couldn't hear you. Her legs were over her ears
I had to wash my hair with conditioner because my sister got hammered and gave the dog a 3am sprinkler bath with my shampoo.
Yeah play it cool maybe put in a kissy face though let him know you're giving an invitation for his dick
I don't know what part of my sober brain thought it was a good idea to get stoned when I can barely walk with crutches as it is, but that part is stupid.
In unrelated news guys should not ask what I'm doing/wearing if they can't handle an honest answer. I'm not pretending I'm not sitting on the couch in yoga pants watching Community so you can beat off.
Why are friend nudes not more of a thing? My tits look awesome right now.
I am 95% sure I just heard my cat say "What are you doing home? It's Saturday night."
So I just got motorboated by my grandma…
Also, we can't be seen together looking suspicious or sexually satisfied
This might be the worst thing you've ever done.
Really? I feel like I've done worse. Guess I gotta step my game up.
Randomize