at 4 in the morning i heated a family sized mac n cheese for a minute and decided to eat it frozen cuz I didn't wanna wait for that long
I just woke up. In the port-o-potty next to our tailgate. an hour after the game started. explain.
Well the light went out so I was throwing up by candle light. Strange moment in my life.
Just puked in the monkey exhibit at the zoo. They ate it. I don't want a pet monkey anymore.
She introduced herself as 'Ann the sober one.' Took me to a coat check and a lost and found. Then offered coffee and breakfast sandwiches. Turns out she's been paying her half of the electric bill running post-party operations.
I love being Chipotle's first beer sale of the morning.
I didnt want you guys to know I needed to puke, so I just nonchalantly did in my solo cup and threw it out the window
I just found out that my husband and I are Eskimo siblings. What in the actual fuck?!
My night ended with a French cab driver offering me his sperm free of cost.
i will not be out-irished. not this night. if i don't wake up tomorrow handcuffed to a hospital bed, i have failed my ancestors.
I'm so proud of us for not dying.
I swear I get as excited about the sound of a condom wrapper as my cat gets when she's getting a can of food.
Fuck off. Since when do you love him??
Since he licked my arm to retrieve the macaroni and cheese he dropped. You have to appreciate that
Can't even lie. Mad respect
So I took a screenshot of my boarding pass and the TSA agent somehow swiped it to the next photo. Yep...TSA saw my dick before I even went through the body scanner.
Put my boyfriend in a chastity cage while he was passed out last night. Now I control his orgasms.
Randomize
