you ran into the room and announced "I JUST FUCKED HER IN THE ASS". apparently you forgot she left the bedroom 5 minutes before you and was standing with us all.
well you haven't lived until you've been 86'ed from a family restaraunt
Just saw an old man buy two cases of keystone light, a case of milwaukee's best and a case of icehouse. Degenerate alcoholic of senior citizen of the year?
I'm so glad i pay social security
If you get me so fucked up I can't use the microwave , I'm going to be so mad at you
You can jump from the roof to the pool. Trust me. I have done this before.
rigging a system to keep my jello shots cold in class. important election day work.
Almost to work. And still feel hungover. Like my body is trying to regenerate after dying. Full on zombie shit. But like, one of those zombies from warm bodies that comes back to life slowly.
Nothing says "forever alone" like receiving a friendship bracelet from your parents.
I'm out of milk so I'm dunking my Oreos in Bailey's; this is my life now.
you flipped over the sheets and there was my bed. filled with ding dongs.
I don't have the resources to adequately explain this. I need like a Powerpoint presentation and also Vodka.
I thought I'd never say this, but if I had to choose between these cookies and sex, it would be these cookies
NO FUCKBOY SHALL PASS OPERATION #BITCHMODE HAS SUCCEEDED
Are you ok?!
I assume I've stopped bleeding because I haven't passed out, but can't verify currently.
all I remember is them saying he had a big dick and the next thing I know I’m leaving with him
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