he just stuck his car key in my belly button, made car starting noises and pretended like i was revving my engine?
Do you think anyone has ever tried to have sex with a cows udder before?
Thanks for the menagerie of condoms on my desk
It's the use of SAT words like that which make me want to use them on you
You stuck your head out the window to puke and got hit with a mailbox.
He was drinking wine out of a pyrex measuring cup at two in the afternoon and told me my ass looked fantastic in my sweatpants. I love university
If your mother gets up on the bar again, I will. The bouncer already had a talk with her earlier.
i'm not saying you're gay. i'm just saying all my gay friends think you have a great ass.
she told me she wanted to fuck me because i was "rugged". if the definition of rugged is a lack of manscaping, slightly overweight, and pounding 16 oz pbrs, then yes i am rugged as fuck
Something tells me your "Titties for Tracy Morgan" fundraiser won't pan out.
I ate breakfast with him. And by ate breakfast I mean we fucked on the kitchen table.
You know you're drunk when you're apologizing for your asshole at 4am to the toilet. Eat shit habanero bbq sauce, you've ruined my life.
Pretty sure when I woke up the next morning we were still fucking. It just didn't stop.
I'm gonna forget you just shared your personal blowjob aesthetic with me and move on
My hands smell like penis... I can't even remember the last time i touched a penis, but my hands say i did. Oh the mystery.
We're going to watch the inauguration and fuck. Or fuck and watch the inauguration, I'm not picky, just get your ass over here by ten.
Randomize
