theres a dog humping me and im not going to stop it... i really need to get laid.
We just built a bong out of a pineapple. I am never leaving hawaii. Ever.
First date. He's wearing a tuxedo shirt and keeps asking me about our future children. Escape plan #3 is now in action...
I shouldn't have had sex with her. I feel that I may have opened a pandora's vagina
I had a nursing patient tell me that her favorite drink was vodka and ensure...called it a colorado bulldog
on todays agenda: meeting with a life coach then going to the dollar store to buy batteries for my vibrator. clearly im still unemployed.
Just saw him riding in a basket on the front of a bike trying to feed the other guy beer. He screamed 'PARTY BIKE BITCHES!' at me as they rode past.
I lied. He's hitting on a drag queen now. Should I rescue him or take pictures?
Just stared at a tree for a solid 5 minutes because I thought a German Shepard was perched on a limb.
Hey dude this is some next level no homo shit but im gonna get 2 tickets to the opera and go Hail Mary on this one girl. U take the extra ticket if i fail.
I just want to have sex that doesn't end like a B-rated horror movie.
Testing the emergency boobs hotline
How does fucking Canada get Justin Good Guy Take Me Now, Just Fuck Me In The House of Commons Trudeau, and our new President looks like he bathes in cheetoh dust and sin?
Where you been?
Please tell me this is a booty call
I am now banned from the bar... Because you got head from my ex in the woman's restroom
who gets drunk at chipotle by noon and then gets kicked out? this chick.
Randomize
