i'm three days dirty after drinking 14 hours last night and some other questionable behavior (hula hooping at a large concert, for example) i will just always bring the class. and the sluttiness.
I thought he was gonna sex me but then he ran to my bathroom and jerked off
he has a girlfriend so we used my stuffed animals to pretend to have sex
when i'm not drinking i'm making facebook events about drinking
So it sounded like a midget was barfing IN our walls again this morning ...
Bartender at the wedding asked if he was making my drinks too strong. I laughed at him.
There are reggae songs being written about me...where have I gone wrong in life?
I just told a bottle to be chill
and meant it
I could teach a class on "expressing your thanks through photos taken of yourself in the shower"
Dude he took a shit in the lake and it just floated around and lingered near our boat for 2 hours. I fucking hate that kid
Me and my bruised tit have to wake up at 4 AM.
I was so high I started singing Let It Go and then instantly started laughing 'cause I was eating ice. Everyone just stared.
I accused the cab driver of smoking weed in the taxi then I remember it was me.
I FEEL LIKE HILARY MUST FEEL WHEN TRUMP MANSPLAINS AT HER
Look fucker, my sensibility and attention to detail is the ONLY REASON you're not dead now
Randomize
