I just remember getting him back by licking the window on his truck.
His health insurance plan WILL NOT cover Lasix surgery but it WILL cover 100% of a penis enlargment operation...
I'm pretty sure I just had a convo with my hot pockets about how they weren't good enough for the oven.
I distinctly recall there being a "I can't be dead 2maro" stipulation to going out last night. There's been a breech of contract
Petting the cat and listening to "you've got a friend". This is why I smoke weed. To make sense of situations like this.
He tried to make an olympic torch by lighting a corona box on top of a pool cleaner.
This is all my moms fault. She shouldn't have encouraged my weird fascinations as a child
I don't know if I have the sustained energy level for partying hard
Not a choice. You are mistaking my comments as options. My statements are facts. This is what is happening.
Hungover/still slightly drunk at work. Opened a bag of cheese with a box cutter. Pretty sure I need stitches.
HE'S LICKING FROSTING OFF OF THE EIGHTEEN YEAR OLD BOY
why does CNN give a flying $@*# about the royal baby so, so much?
i hope they name him Joffrey
Did I fall on/off the boat yesterday? Cuz my right leg looks and feels like if it got hit by shrapnel.
I'll have sex with you for tacos. I don't care, man.
I just read my D.A.R.E. essay from 5th grade. I'm having mixed feelings about my previous life choices right now.
Took my nervous poop earlier then expected it's gonna be a good day
Randomize
