In similar news, my cock is bigger than the plane that landed in the hudson.
i think i may have caused an international incident at the french embassy, just fyi
hahaha how?
its a long story involving a horse trailer and some shrubbery
you thought that fire hydrant was a midget...you gave it a hug and asked for a lollipop.
He has been begging me for a Bj but doesnt want to get mono
How is he gunna get mono? is he gunna suck on his dick after you?
I definitely managed to work the word "aforementioned" into the conversation.. At least I'm an intelligent sexter.
four guys that i have slept with have come into my job today. FOUR. i feel like it's like bring your sex partners to work day.
I think god is proud of me so he is rewarding me in discounted wine
I defriended her. I just can't support someone whose profile picture is of their water birth.
dont iron anything. we fucked on the ironing board. details to follow.
Neighbour is sobbing. Difficult to masturbate.
I am the Angelina Jolie to his Billy Bob Thorton. We just don't work.
lost my vibrator and now I have to masturbate manually. The struggle is fucking real.
I am at a point in my life where I don't want to brush my teeth for my tinder date because toothpaste and martinis don't mix.
we didn't even throw knives this time! it was just the carrot peeler
Normally getting fucked up with the owner and suggesting he motorboat me wouldn’t help my chances of a promotion, but this is 2020 and he definitely enjoyed it
Randomize
