I found the TV remote. It was in the washing machine along with the chicken wings you kept complaining to Domino's about that they 'never delivered'
Balcony sex scratched the shit out of my phone. Whups.
he offered to walk down from the bar this morning to my house and bring me a guinness...
how romantic. its the irish mans version of flowers
I just banged that chick from the bar by speaking french. all i had to do was recite my grocery list
um, yes. it's my birthday, of course there will be acid.
What's the rule on cocaine before dinner?
Its 11 o'clock somewhere
he said i balance and complete him. i feel sick
Quick! What do I wear on a 4 hour road trip with an older guy in the army I had pantomime sex with in a hotel a few months ago?
I was going down on her and she started whistling "Whistle while you work." I'm in love.
I had fresh baked oatmeal cookies, tacos AND was on deck to give a stellar blow job. You'd think that'd be a win/win/win situation.
Not sure if buying Twisted Teas for the alcoholics posted up outside the gas station counts as paying it forward but I am optimistic.
Mischief managed.
YOU ARE NOT A MARAUDER, WHAT THE FUCK DID YOU DO NOW?
NO. NONE OF THAT. SHAME ON YOU.
I just want him to get into an accident where he's horribly disfigured but otherwise fine so he's not so freaking handsome
I just threw up a strange neon green substance. Did I eat a glow stick last night?
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