GUESS WHAT I JUST LICKED
I feel like half our conversations start this way.
#1 lesson to be learned from mardi gras this year: lock your car doors or some grimy dude like me might just bang in it and use your backseat as a kleenex
Me+graduation party+hammered drunk+polish horseshoes in the dark= black eye, crying, pissed, passed out in my dress... How was your weekend?
Just sponge bathed with a swissper. Thrush inevitable. Shaking.
I am going to ride along with a cop tonight so please don't get arrested because that would be super awkward for me.
I'm out of town so we should be golden.
How are you not embarrassed to know me. I'm a mess right now. I'm a walking, talking tornado of embarrassment
I was the girl at the bar last night passing out free condoms and making sure everyone knew how to use them to keep the population down
Hey it's Males-You-Probably-Wish-You-Hadnt-Had-Sex-With Monday. MYPWYHHSWM
I don't know if the fact that I carry lube in my purse means I'm living life right or I'm doing it wrong..
You shouted "my financial aid just came in, who wants a shot?!" Half the bar followed
We found you in the bathroom at 1AM throwing money into the toilet making wishes. That drunk.
.... Seriously?
Let me atleast have my coffee before you start talking about your penis
I was so drunk, he put me to bed and went down stairs to hang out with his friends. Apparently, I was curled up in the closet, spooning the dresser when he came back up.
And ANOTHER guy that I once got naked is doing gay porn now. Wtf? Am I the audition?!
I think I accidentally got a sugar daddy but I was already planning on sleeping with him so I’m going to see where this goes
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