____ banged a stripper...well technically she's now a hooker...
In hindsight, i should have predicted that a drink called the 'rocky mountain bear fucker' would not end in a pleasant experience
yeah, you were trying to hump the doorman.
when did we get a doorman?
we were also in the wrong building...
its totally unfair that im just as ill-prepared as a 16 year old but there's no tv show for 25 and pregnant.
Just mixed my liver cleanse with Bacardi. Best. Thing. Ever.
I just made bacon chili cheese fries for dinner...someday my kids are going to realize I'm a stoner & this will all make sense
We followed the campus tour around in a golf cart drinking PBR and blasting "Sexual Healing."
she fucked me tho cuz it was her cat's birthday. As soon as we were done she just says "ahhh tequila tuesdays"
Puuuub goooolf. Being trashed at 830 never felt so right
Dude what hole are you on?....and its 9:15
hole5. 2 under par. irish nachos
The claw marks on my back are healing nicely. Just thought you should know.
My bad. Next time I'll wear mittens.
You are the funniest drunk Jew I know. Never in my life have I witnessed someone respond, "Is your dick kosher?" while being picked-up on.
I just wanna be able to fart and do my homework but he won't leave
I feel like asking for a towel for after I puke before I puke to be more respectful than jus going outside to puke and coming back inside covered in sweat and tears.
She came into the salon and said, "Don't judge me. Yes that's cum in my hair and I want a shampoo, cut and style."
I definitely almost just pulled a condom out of my purse instead of money for my dad.
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