I keep trying to leave, but for some reason I'm staying
Get condoms and clear your schedule for the night. I'm bringing chinese food!
Blew in her face. She is Pissed. Yahtzee. As she brushes her teeth.
I found your twin in sf. His name is ryan. And you are the evil one.
I just threw up in a patch of wild flowers on the side of the road. I never knew rock bottom was so beautiful.
Isiahs hammered. And just came in to get his skateboard and said he has to prove something. This can't end well
she's just sitting here eating cilantro out of my herb garden and watching some show about ducks on tv and laughing, what the fuck did you give her?
You said that "grilled cheese was much to complex" and started to throw the buttered bread at the wall while eating all the cheese.
Dude, they're still mid-coitus. Pretty sure running in to high five my roommate mid-thrust is a mood-breaker.
My bra is still on the porch...I'm leaving it as a reminder to get my shit together.
I think anything that happens between 12 and 2 am is just sketchy enough to be a good idea.
So when I walked out, everyone was chanting ONE OF US, someone draped a lei over my head, and then she grabbed my ass and dragged me back into the bedroom. I'd say it was a pretty good night to lose my virginity.
Just sitting in the tub googling "how to remove sharpie from skin". You?
Turns out, it's impolite to repeatedly request Seal "Kiss From a Rose" at bars
I’m inviting a few of my favorite manwhores to a pool party. Bring booze and wear your banana hammock so Amy can see what I’m always talking about
Randomize
