last week i woke up at this guys house...this week i woke up at his ex girlfriends
She looks like Sash Grey but sounds like Fran Drescher. Advise.
he doesn't care that i have a boyfriend so why should i?
logic in its finest
we just finished making mockaritas... then we prayed
god you guys know how to party
worst. bachelorette party. ever.
If im paying 4grand for laser eye surgery, it better help with beer goggles cuz last night was pretty rough.
I just sent a friend request to someone saying that i was the girl he shared a fifth of jager with last week. Thats something special. He better accept.
thanks for leaving the note with the doctor's recommendations for my lip, they are dissolvable stitches right?
We were talking about threesomes when she went to say who she would have as her third. She did not get to finish her sentence because her bf already said my name.My sheer presence destroys relationships.
I accidentally got a lemon stuck in your bong. I was trying to make it taste good. Sorry
We got baked and watched the cheetah girls on Netflix
You need to not admit that.
Good news. That bum you thought that died is alive.
So like if I threw up in my purse is that "don't ever show your face in public again" worthy or just slightly frowned upon
Masturbating to death wouldn't be a terrible way to go. If you die tonight, I'll know how it went down. Promise not to tell your family.
Did you really have to freak out and get up half way through to put the cat in the closet?
...
Everyone else's "needs" are getting in the way of my alcoholism.
Randomize
