I just tried to pick my 105-lb puppy up and accidentally fingered its asshole
There are some things we keep to ourselves Brian
If you bang a chick other than your girlfriend while playing tiger woods on xbox I wonder if an accomplishment would come up...
Drunk. Just jacked off for the third time in an hour. I love not being Catholic anymore.
I used a physics textbook to prop her up so she wouldn't choke on her vomit...see I have learned something from statics class.
Just considered the plausability of using my detachable showerhead as a beer bong. Has my life really devolved to this?
Okay, good. And if you have one of those portable strip poles that would be nice too.
fat people need to stop using the handicapped bathroom stall so I can have sex in it. it's common logic
I HAVE A GENTLEMANLY VAGINA.
i gave up on the vacation being fun the night i ate all the marshamallows out of the lucky charms while everyone else was having sex in the condo
He just sent me the contact information about getting the Zebra for graduation...
ever had one of those days where you say fuck it and lick the inside of a bag of chips
You know you were really drunk last night when you woke up and had someone else's jacket with their car keys and medical marijuana that you wore home from the bar and no sign of your actual jacket.
I just want you to know that watching you throw up out of a cab in the McDonald's drive thru was probably the highlight of my night.
Howd last night go?
well he stumbled in my parents door drunk and then asked my mom if she was my grandma. Id say as far as first impressions go, he failed miserably
I'm at the fucking ritz Carlton and I would leave here to cuddle with her. Not even fuck, just cuddle. What th hell is wrong with me?
I think it's called love, bro
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