Just found out what was wrong with Esther. Turns out she's 33 and still not married. This explains everything.
I just got a bj @ my old preschool...my childhood memories r all ruined
I spent all night sexting your girlfriend for you because you were too drunk. You're welcome.
when she started singing "you look better when im drunk" to my cat i realized it was time to take her home
I mean its not the first time I passed out drunk at barnes and noble.
in the past 3 nights i've fucked a millionaire, a drug dealer and a civil engineer... i dont really have a "type" anymore
So I love how we keep introducing our friends to sex toys. It's like pay it forward vibrator edition.
Guess who just screamed "Everything happens for a reason!!" in the abortion clinic. This girl.
I gave his parents a candle as a thanks for letting me hang out there all the time. Which i guess is more accurately a thanks-for-letting-me-fuck-your-son candle
I actually bought food at McDonald's as an apology for what I was about to do to their bathroom.
I said "sucks to suck" to a cop last night. We've been snapchatting.
Thank god he came over. I had to have some good sex to makeup for all the bad sex I've been having.
Good!!! I'm so proud of you for not snorting alcohol. Big girl steps.
You sealing the pinky promise with a shot was much better than just kissing it
He is in my tree wearing full on scuba gear ... Get here asap.
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