proudest moment: just made a guy walk into a parked car with his mouth hanging open cause of the shirt im wearing.
DO IT!!! IT MUST BE FATE THAT I GAVE YOU THAT CONDOM!!!!
You look just like Jennifer Aniston on food.
I've been watching too much manswers. Cuz i know scissoring doesn't work on a motorcycle.
Sometimes I think that I have too much self esteem
Then I realize that I'm just really fucking pretty.
If i need to get strippers involved i will.
Im drunk with people I love less than you. fix it.
In a shocking revelation, I learned that the Easter Sunday shit show happened not because of vodka but because my gay neighbor drugged me.
Okay. This morning the comforter was wet, you were underwearless and using a tiny blanket. What'd you do??
"Fuck all you guys I'm going to be Cameltoe Spider-Man for Halloween."
I'm just so full of love and alcohol
I doubt the gods of funday Sunday would exact such a high price... But it's good to know an afternoon with me is worth a left foot.
Yeah, everything was going great until the mugging.
I have to lie to someone and move five gallons of fermenting alcohol across campus but after that i'll hit you up 4 sho
I resent the implication of a jizz addiction
Randomize
