i got us presents. or arrested. we shall see!
Must be January. Theres a fat chick on an elliptical wearing khaki capris. Someone doesnt own any workout clothes
Ask him about the girl he took home Saturday night. I swear she voted for Kennedy.
the liquor store owner came out from behind the counter and kissed my cheek when he saw that i am back for fall semester
Tonight will be judged a success if I walk out without having thrown up on my shirt.
First if all, whoever designed penis shaped ice cubes is clearly daring me to shove them up my vagina
gave him road head on the way to his grandparents house. purposely didn't let him finish, the sexual tension over turkey was indescribable.
Just had the moment before I realised I'd packed you off in an ambulance last night after funnel-feeding you Monster and vodka. Your mom thinks I'm a dick doesn't she?
I need to beat up a magician now. BRB.
drunk grocery shopping was not as bad of an idea as i thought, this salmon cat food tastes a lot like tuna
Topenga is going to be back on TV. Finally my fantasy of her being a milf in junior high has come full circle.
It's supposed to be a shit show, it's an end of the world party.
Did I tell you I bit someone's arm for you last night
How do I convince my friend not to get tattoo tributes to her cats?
WHO DOES THAT
I told her it'd send up tons of red flags and she responded by telling me they're her babies. And she's sober.
You still owe me one bodily function mess clean up.
You pee on the floor one time and you never hear the end of it...
Randomize
