someone took a shit in my car last night and left $5 on the seat...
if your dad confronts the dude you fucked about the background check he did on him, NOT GONNA GET A CALL BACK
you lied vaginas dont taste like gold fish!
noo i said youre golden if her vagina tastes like fish!
I just realized that the music from spongebob is also used in real sex HBO.
look out your window.... he's holding his iphone up like a boombox playing you beach boys
Yea dude. I'm gonna be the life of the party. THIS BITCH GETS DRUNK BY HERSELF
Have you picked out a bathroom stall in which to fuck? Since you've got all this free time before her plane lands...
Listen, unless you want to spend your birthday in a trunk, you better invite me
I was unconscious Saturday for like 6 hours after I passed out on the sidewalks of our nation's capital. Thank you America, for bottomless brunch.
Ps I think male models just broke down outside or maybe gay German sex travelers
I fell asleep in the tanning bed, naked, for an hour and a half and I guess they couldn't wake me up so they called the fire department...and they came in while I was passed out naked...
Just saw the mall santa roll by on a rascal scooter holding a chic-fil-a milkshake and stop to chat up trio of cute 20-somethings. New hero.
Its not often you get to say, "The security guard at my job is my new drug dealer," but as of last night, I get to say it.
Both guys that I'm dating were waiting for me in the parking lot after work. Literally the most awkward situation I have ever been in
The last thing I remember is talking to the firefighter next to me and he was giving me fruit.
Randomize