do you know how bad I want you right now?
As bad as i want you to stop texting me?
is that a hint?
you laugh because clearly you have never had to clean poop out of a tub
You'd think after all these years of evolution that it would be longer than a golf pencil.
Only in this snowstorm did have I realized the lengths I'll go to to get laid.
Medically YOU CAN'T BE AN ALCOHOLIC TILL 25!!!!! WE GET 3 BONUS YEARS!!!!
I GOT A VENDING MACHINE FOR OUR LIVING ROOM
I look like slutty woodland creatures dress me in the morning. Everybody's got problems.
We used a snorkel as a funnel. Can you say desperate?
That feeling when you're ready to convert to the religion of whatever god will stop the vomit. Dynamite is illegal.
I had to sit there with his three fat aunts talking about a bunch of 50 Shades knockoff books.
I felt like a taxi, but my meter was running up minutes he would be eating me out that night.
Sorry about the picture of wills balls via snapchat last night btw
I told him if he ever gets a "wink" text from me after 10:00pm to assume I really mean "we should be hooking up by 2:30am"
moms trying to set me up with a 28 year old. hes graduated university like im getting high in my bed and he's an adult
Just saw my ex AGAIN. The constellation of gays must be at some sort of weird point with Mercury.
When you puked on me I said to you "we will just say that you threw some mostacholi at me"
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