wouldve been great, if we lived in constant slow motion cause that shit lasted 30 seconds and half the time he was putting on the condom
I've heard semen is good for your skin though, so that pimple on my chin should clear right up.
I would give my right arm to go back to college. Or maybe not. Would be kinda hard to pick up guys with one arm. Then again, knowin what I do now...I could take any freshman bithc with only one arm.
So it turns out there are pros and cons to having a broken wrist. Pro: I can give amazing blowjobs with my left hand. Con: I just had to open a packet of crisps with scissors.
I'm currently using two paint brushes as chopsticks to eat lasagna.... college.
if memory serves, the guy you were hooking up with said he was a slutty skittle.
How much money would it take for the bouncer to get us beers while we wait in line to get in?
$450 apparently whoopwhoop
Don't send me heart emojis when you're jacking off.
He said he loves me but he haven't eaten me out yet. So I don't think he means it.
He fucked me over, so I'm going to do what any rational woman does. I'm going to get really high and have sex with his brother.
Oh man I wish I could've gotten a picture of how many anti-circumcision stickers are on this Prius
How the hell do you misplace a bag of tacos in a closet?
Have you ever drank bourbon in your underwear while wearing a Santa hat and reflecting on the decisions of your life? Asking for a friend.
so on a scale from morning glass of wine to that time i burnt the garage down how drunk were you last night
About 'lets tie a boat to a truck and ride it down the freeway'
My brain is a dvd screensaver and I'm allowed to have a good thought when it hits the corner
Randomize
