The fact that I am sitting home writing a resume while you're out inducing vomiting makes me feel like way more of an adult than I'm ready to be.
Kate gave me a 3 day old cup of tequila last night and forced me to chug it. P.s. i drew u a picture
the paramedics asked what clubs id be in next weekend so they can plan ahead.
we are blowing up condoms and making balloons and we’re drunk on the floor. You could have come to school here
I sent him a picture of my boobs instead of saying good morning. I'm trying to tell him how I feel in a language he'll understand.
After you threw up you would repeatedly say "napkin" like a siren until somebody got you a fucking napkin.
Today is all about not throwing up, where the fuck are my keys and does anyone know what happened to that guy in the panda suit my roommate had sex with last night.
You know that feeling when you wake up and your whole body just smells like a penis?
Today's psa: there are certain parts of your body you shouldn't scratch while wearing fake nails.
you just tore your cootch a new one, didn't you?
My mom and sister were over. When my drunk roommate came home, he yelled "GOT BITCHES IN MY CONDO"
Grandma's bordering on serious shit show territory at this point.
I feel like I smell like bad decisions
Your girlfriend agreed to a threesome, I saw dogs in a bar. It seems life is falling into place for us
So today was the first day i've been sober since Wednesday according to my roommate!
Nah, we’re just sitting around talking about different kinds of boners
Randomize