Shaq going to Cleveland; Vince Carter to the Magic; Michael Jackson, Farrah Fawcett, and Ed McMahon die.... ARMAGEDDON IS UPON US!!!!!
I don't know how I got that girl last night. I feel like seal right now sans the scars
he said i'm too pretty to suck penis
I look like a sausage in jean shorts, you should have woken up earlier and approved my outfit.
Now accepting hypotheses about how i managed to get a bruise between my boobs....
I made out with Jen. We were naked. I'm still gay. Forever
I feel a five day drunk coming on.
An we can hold bottles of vodka in our hands singing yo ho a pirates life for me
Apparently, "please don't I have to be in court tomorrow" is not a valid excuse for a girl to abstain from giving a massive hickey.
Dude, get out of Andrea's vagina and call me back
I just opened a pickle jar stoned as fuck. I clapped for myself. I feel like wonder woman.
Best case scenario you died and I melt into poo
George Washington did not fight for our freedom just to have people shit themselves all night
I got drunk and bought a house last night. Also, I threw up on Mike's lawn. I'm pretty excited about one of those two things.
Came up to an intersection and someone was blasting My Chemical Romance at like 9 AM. They're DEFINITELY having a good day
Randomize
