My superpower would be to be able to make a chick instantly start her period just by thinking about it
To think... Somewhere, too drunk by buckcherry is someone's theme song
So I was throwing up in this fancy toilet at a party last night, when he decided it would be funny to flush it. It was a beday. I had to walk out with toilet water and regurgitated rumpleminze all over my face and shirt.
I inspected his penis with a mini flashlight to check for visible stds...he was clean
Why did you come into my room last night at 3am and pour monopoly money on me while you were crying?
He literally said to me "go ahead and answer that text message while I eat you out"... Maybe I AM the relationship type...
The security guard popped his head over the mens room door and goes "nice tits- now get out." Deer in headlights moment right there.
I can't. I drank 10 years off my life last night. I need to reevaluate. Sorry.
Strip clubs it is bday boy. One condition. I am in full custody of your ID. I plan on being in no condition to coordinate rescue operations and we need to keep casualties to a minimum. You cannot be trusted.
Alright goddamnit. Can I bring my pirate hat?
I insist.
When have we listened to the rational side of either of us?!
Stop watching porn on my work computer.
STOP WORKING ON MY PORN COMPUTER.
He won't have sex to beyonce. I hate him.
I have "if found please return to" written in sharpie on my arm, my uterus is rejecting everything, and I have hickies. I must actually be an 18 year old piece of shit girl instead of a responsible 23 year old
My drug dealer is giving me a 15% veterans discount on my weed for nov 11th
That's the best thing I've heard all week.
Its one of those days... someone might die
Would a picture of my dick help?
Randomize