Dude you just tried to have a one night stand with my ex girlfriend while we were trying to put you to bed upstairs.
but that still doesn't explain how i woke up on the couch down stairs.
got them to do a wheelbarrow of shame down the sidewalk after the threesome. I rule
Getting stoned and going to costco. If i'm not back by dawn, you know what to do.
Just learned the hard way that dicks can bruise the back of your throat to the extent that you cant eat. You're dead to me.
I just blurted out "it's pretty tight isn't it"
Dear America, sometimes I miss your Everclear and its consequences.
If you two are having sex, stop. I have something really important to ask you about psychics.
I cancelled the entertainment for your b-day party.... Keep the bouncy castle just in case.
me and him got disney princess makeovers at disneyworld. this is why gay guys make the best friends.
how do you politely tell someone their toddler looks alarmingly similar to the berries and cream guy
I'm officially removing you from my nudes recipient list on snapchat.
He stuck a cigarette in my butt last night. There is no coming back from that.
Life's hard when you can't differentiate between retrograde and PMS
He chose me to be his birthday sex..theres a lot of pressure riding on this bang
had to remind myself that killing him is not a good career move AGAIN.
Randomize
