The sex was so good, I called my ex during the 2nd time just so he could hear. Is that mean?
My dermatologist just asked me, "what happened here?" referring to the bruising on my nipples. I told her I walked into a door. Thanks for that awkward moment.
I woke up and blew hamburger out my nose. That kinda night.
He walked into my room in the middle of the night, whispered something about the patriot act, and took my tv.
The bartender cut me off so I peed in the corner. How no one noticed I have no idea.
It's official drugs can't kill me
He slow fucked me. Doggy style. On a porch. You never slow fuck doggy style. Its a law. A LAW.
I've started drunk signing up for 5ks. Who even does that?
Learn from my mistakes, you naive soul: Gay love triangles are just as dangerous as straight love triangles.
Your grandma changed her Netflix password :(
Well, i'm not hugging a bag of cheetos and crying while I watch Friends wishing that we were Ross and Rachel. So clearly I'might doing better than last night.
I can empathize with sociopaths, serial killers, demons, gods, and monsters....straight white males are literally the only barrier to my 100% empathy rate. I don't get it.
I was so drunk I got stuck in the middle of a revolving door
Went to my bottom drawer for my stash , gone just a note says thanks sucker love dad
Only good thing about being an essential worker is that I have a letter allowing me to cross the bridge into jersey to get booze
Randomize
