i just practiced my bj skills on a banana in front of the mirror
its going to be a good night
my ex just saw me in his brothers bed. fuck yes revenge feels good
Ok. Also I almost just threw up. Seriously. I was think to myself "really? Here? Now? At my work desk?" and then it went away.
She told me to stay away from him cause apparently he fucks anything that walks. clearly i responded with..."i walk"
At least drunk you showered before switching sex partners last night.
that was you who tried to jump in front of my car in the monkey suit wasnt it
Dude how did you get resin on my keyboard?
The next time you try to involve a tickle me Elmo in my orgasm, I'm leaving you
How did you even find out?
Because you came up to me and said "I just fucked in the bathroom."
Oh.
This is how my night is going so far. The bartender bought our last two rounds and I'm chasing a bee around the bar with a foam bat.
There should be an app that tazers me in my pocket when I'm spending too much money at the bar. Take a hint, Android Network. You slut.
I feel like I'm eight miles away and my brain is just now getting here. You got a lot of fucking catching up to do.
Do you ever actually plan things? Or is it always drugs then whatever happens? I'm considering being worried about you
That was the second worst thing to happen to my asshole.
I feel like that japanese guy who ate all the hotdogs. Except replace hotdogs with sailor jerrys. And instead of a trophy and world record I just get a hangover at work
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