I need to just get drunk and eat a pot pie.
We just picked up about 540 lbs of women....
I proposed and she said yes man.
You realize the irony of surrendering on independence day, right?
he got instantly turned off in the middle of a blowjob when he heard the news "twilight beat the blockbuster record of batman"
Managed to convince my mom that I had been home for 3 hours sleeping on the couch downstairs and this t-shirt was your dads. I am SUCH a fucking boss.
There's a stripper banging on the door demanding to see you.
Throwing up so forcefully that toilet water hits you in the face is not what the Pilgrims and Indians had in mind for this holiday
If it carries over into the weekend I would be glad to nurse your vagina back to health.
the only thing you and i have in common is the we like weed and looking at my naked body.
I woke up this morning with a sharpie tramp stamp. Pretty sure it's a picture of a squirrel.
And then I discovered that while drunk last night I called the NAACP and left an angry voicemail demanding they fix the racism at my school
My roommate fed me my birth control pill while I was hungover laying on the couch so that's how my morning has been
It was an interesting experience to have sex while there was a triathlon going on right outside my bedroom window because it sounded like everyone is cheering for you in bed.
How supportive!
I paid for lunch, then he made a bunch of holes in my wall and destroyed my bathroom.
I have dined. Now I want to get fucked.
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