I told him I don't date guys unless they play a musical instrument. So, he's here and he brought a kazoo.
It's just a condom. Most people would commend me for saying I was going to start using them, and you're acting like I'm going to try heroin.
Dude she's on meds. He has a ginormous penis. Ur A dumbass. That concludes our feelings chat. Dim Sumday?
I like to take my ritalin one pill at a time with each pill spaced out a couple minutes so I feel like I'm going super saiyan when they kick in.
I ran into the bouncer who kicked me out of that beach bar a few months ago. I told him I'd only been thrown out of two other places since then. He was proud.
Who the fuck cries when they're stoned?!
Sorry man I just really wanted a McChicken
wearing my old cheerleader outfit to the bar was a great way to get free drinks. i should do this more often
someday i'll meet a woman who will love me for my marvelous breasts and ignore my many character faults.
Hooked up with a 20 year old. Only reason I did was cos I thought he was 18
Friends don't let friends go vibrator shopping alone.
Ya know what's the worst? Being drunk and wanting to show someone a picture of your goddaughter but not wanting to open the pictures on your phone because the first one is of someone's dick..
I was informed this morning that I took all my clothes off and ran around the whole apartment complex. Being as they just moved in, welcome to the neighborhood.
There’s nothing that says motivation more than watching these little geniuses on Kids Baking Championship New Year’s Day. I’m ready to fuck shit up this year.
I guess I was running around slapping people in the face with a slice of turkey telling them that the only way to beat alcohol addiction is to go cold turkey.
Fuck. I did it again. I plugged in my toaster and walked away thinking it needed to preheat. I am dumb.
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