I woke up from my nap, looked out my window, and saw about bout 6 people get tasered in less than 20 seconds.....could someone please tell me what's going on.
last night we were having sex and i didn't care if i got off. i was just holding up my hand behind his head so i could look at my new ring. i think he knew.
dont worry it didnt get any better. she locked herself in his room and was screaming at the top of her lungs "IM GUNA PEE ON YOUR BED"
It's a bathroom floor kind of morning.
Hurry up and get here. I already announced to the bar that you were on a mission to get laid tonight. I have 3 takers.
i don't think they understood the house was collapsing. they kept dancing and jumping and asking for more cups.
Pretending to leave a voicemail when the person answers the phone....that's gotta be drunk dial level 99
Man, I want to make his penis a sandwich.
Actually let's just focus our energy on not getting committed to a psych ward.
I gave him a bunch of ideas to use to spice up their sex life. Say what you will, I am the best 'other' woman ever!
My mom said she saw you at the grocery store. Said you looked like you were "headed for a Lindsay Lohan quarter life crisis of sorts"
Have a booty call at 3am, stopped for tacos at 2:30. It's 2:55 and I still haven't ordered but can't jump the curb to get out of line because there is a cop in front of me. What am I doing with my life?
That’s true love. If they recognize a chocolate mold of your anus.
just had an allergic reaction to my dildo. My life is ruined.
I called plan parenthood at 407 am... Guess I was thinking ahead
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