yeah that facebook group of people who have had sex with me probably isn't to discreet...
I just saw a homeless man with a cat on a leash. reminded me of you.
You closed the sidewalk off to pedestrians last night. With a glitter covered safety cone
I woke up this morning with a bag of pepperonis in my bed.... and my facebook status was "pepperonis"
I was mid-pee and he walked in, claimed he was looking for his phone, and then asked if we could hook up since we were finally alone.
so yall hooked up?
Going to the hospital for stitches on my balls. Mom walked in on me manscaping with an electric razor. Tell NOBODY.
He left an apology note saying he had to work and that there was coffee, OJ and food on the table with two Excedrin. I left his spare key with the door guard and she said "too bad I don't go for skinny white boys or I'd jump you both!" Best one night stand ever.
All I could think of during that funeral was how great I look in a suit, how creepy catholics are, and how horny I am.
Apparently stumbling across interstate bridges is not cause for concern but screaming Wookie noises at cars is. Thanks, cops.
also Jesus you really need to change your diet. I just washed your baby gravy out of my hair and it's so acidic my hair is damaged. You have killer sperm
That super awesome moment when the guy who threw up in your bed last night crawls into your roommate's bed the next morning...Naked...She was in it.
I can't believe you guys got into a sword fight over a chicken nugget
Oh, so that's where all the scratches came from...
She paid me 300 bucks to spank her and call her Baby Jane. Then we drank half a bottle of sippin whiskey. I'd call it a twelve out of ten.
I didn't even mind that he came early I just wanted to get eaten out and cuddle
Get off the floor, put away the cookie dough, get ur shit together Scott.
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