It was weird to see you drinking wine out a glass instead of a red cup today
please don't call me when you're wasted. i don't feel like having any other future arguments at 3:18am about how to hang up your phone. you have a flip phone, you should know regardless of how fucked up you are.
Wow i just got reported to security for being a homeless person trying to break into the library.
I'm quitting my job and I'm just going to become a professional drunk girls mistake.
He set 8 alarms to make sure I took my birth control on time..
"Guy Time" translaed into 10 shots apiece and me waking up covered in my own blood.
you're the only person I know who would bring a water bottle of screwdriver to a wedding, and toast with it during the speech
are we at that level where i can tell you your girlfriends tits looked really good yet?
girl I've been sleeping with this summer as per her request just gave me a carton of cigs to thank me for my "hospitality". this is good.
It started out just like any other night: was watching a Zach Effron movie, drinking tequila out of a water bottle. I don't understand how this got out of hand.
is it weird that I didn't think he was hot last night when I was making out with him but right now I'm Facebook stalking him and think he's really attractive??
your beer goggles are on backwards.
"Wait, who's gun did I have?" Moments when you re-examine your life choices.
We spent 45 minutes searching the crevices of our friend's car with a pair of tweezers trying to find the acid that we dropped
we were all too drunk to realize that the cat wasnt yours
I just put on the jeans I was wearing last night and pulled 4 baby carrots out of my back pocket....
Randomize
