The greatest thing of my life happened today. I took a shit and it formed a smiley face. It's going to be a fucking fantastic day.
bathroom sex at kohls isnt as trashy as it seems
I miss old school porno. There just isn't any love in porn these days.
I don't know which is a more impressive stolen object. The couch from a sheer logistical viewpoint, or the parking meter because i'm pretty sure that's a federal offence.
So I'm seriously not complaining - but I just fell ass backwards into a Tuesday night threesome. Sober
I'm sorry you were dumb enough to get played by a male cheerleader
I promise not to drug you or anything. Please come to my birthday party.
He just fingered me to the Lion King soundtrack. And when he left he turned dramatically and said "I'll be back after work. Be prepared." Taint ALL the childhood memories.
I just found my "random bang list for summer of 2012" that I wrote last night.. It's written on a Plan B receipt. If this isn't irony I don't know what is.
Here's my first problem: I'm drunk
I'm sending you the three minute video I jus took,....it's of me eating a pear up close
At one point we were both in the bathroom and i was taking a shit while holding your hair as you puked in the sink. Friendship.
the shoes thing blows my mind idk how the fuck i did that and im also missing 4 of my birth control pills like did i drunkenly decide to overload my body with estrogen
I have an important idea to tell you when I'm sober about a cat scratching my nose once and what it taught me. DONT LET ME FORGET.
I want a musical about memes.
Randomize
