I'm so bummed I missed coconut bowling. It's fucking cold here and no coconuts to be found
I just walked into his bathroom to see two poops floating... no toilet paper. WTF!?
He wouldn't know what to do with his penis even if they made a "how to get a blowjob for dummies" guide
do you know how hard it is to sit through a 3 hour movie with someone and not fuck them?
Forever 21 now has a maternity line. Even more of an incentive for me to get pregnant at a young age.
i have a surprise for you that looks bigger since I found my body hair trimmer
How bad would it be if I asked him for my "ho ho ho" thong back? They're my fav christmas pair!
The crowd is chanting "we want sex!" There's a man dressed as bacon. That is all
I sent my roommate a text from MY phone that said, "I don't know where my phone is." Must've been a good night.
Some dude just said my hair smells like his pillows
I'm a dude in a dress, who came to a party with Holly GoLightly, got hit on by Bambi's mom, and wants to do terrible things to Link. Halloween is weird
Our relationship revolved around Taylor Swift albums. It's no wonder it ended so fast
Do toy wanna orseer frim onedof tjose plaves? Sry textimg with globes on
Gloves*
Out of all the words to correct, you chose gloves??
Guess who just stumbled into work hungover, wearing yesterday's clothes, covered in hickeys and glitter, and carrying a giant bottle of rum in her purse.
I just took plan B at work.
This is the greatest story of all time.
Drunk me is having trouble keeping up with sober me's standards
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