Mars, I'm going to name my child horatio mars. He will hate me till he gets high. Then he'll understand
The more I hate his personality, the more I love his penis.
I think I left a blow job at your house. Can I come down and get it?
I gave it to your brother to give to you.
i knew i liked her after she chugged tequila, fell down the stairs and said "oh dont worry i knew it'd be faster this way"
I have this strange craving to see a really fat person go down a slipnslide
She just looked down there and said "i breed horses. this is better than anything ive ever seen."
I miss the days of selfishly blowing a load in the condom without her knowing and acting all like "we shouldn't do this" so she would get dressed and leave.
Definitely sounds like it's time for some eggs with a side of strap on
you peed off the balcony at your sisters and asked someone below to catch it with a cup
Just to be clear, the only reason you're allowed to scream "COCKTAIL SERVANT" at bartenders is because you have nice tits
Why do I have a bunch of cash....and your bra.
You get home okay?
I'm pantless and in bed
That doesn't mean you're at home.
I think I just figured out how to make weed tea in the coffeemaker.
WHAT A DUMBASS ugh I'm so glad he looks like a middle aged dad now
Your youporn search history says otherwise.
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