Are you dead
Yes
Oh man
Someone fed me too many chicken nuggets and sexed me too hard
On Saturday, I sharted on my roommates dog while trying to make it smell my farts. Today I got security clearance to work for one of the most respected and secretive govt agencies in the US
It's the American dream
it was better than the time i puked and I forgot to open the lid of the toilet
i'm pretty sure i lost all sex appeal when he caught me peeing in his bushes
I can't wait until next week, when I find out what drunk me added to the Netflix queue.
mom just told me i had to find a fake by next wednesday.
The walk home from the bar is FAR more shameful in daylight.
I come back upstairs and she's leaning over sink full of vomit saying 'oh my god it's the chili'
THIS TIME TOMORROW MY VAG IS GONNA BE BRAND SPANKING NEW.
You gave me your shirt to use as a napkin every time I spilled beer on myself. Before we went to the bar.
We were having sex in the gardens when the grounds keeper walked up on us. He gave me a thumbs up and walked away
I love how when they see that I'm upset their initial response is to offer me ecstasy
I know you're on a date and I should leave you alone but about twenty minutes ago I realized I haven't been spanked in years so if you're still looking for a birthday present, you know, consider it.
Packing for college has become a game of where did I hide my sex toys.
I wanna be like, dude, I peed your bed. Like you laid in my pee. And we're not dating. You can find another fuck buddy who I'm sure won't piss on you.
Randomize
