I just found your credit card inside the bag of chips
let's skip the party, and just play drunken wii, again. its time to give my vag a break.
New years is officially the only time its okay to drunk dial your parents.
We must be getting old. All of our friends are having kids and they aren't illegitimate.
After blacking out and loosing my phone for a month, I found it in the parking lot across the street. Last text "rager in the street". I remember none of this.
Just found weed in an empty handle. Who knew Capitan Morgan was also a gardener?
Why is the clock ticking so loud? Now I know how Captain Hook feels.
Things I Learned Tonight: I have no future in goat wrangling. Herding. Whatever you call the ridiculosity that just transpired.
Ryan got so drunk he gave a hobo $20 and I had to zip tie him to the bed so he doesn't out stupid himself
I'm asking you this because you're my dad....is coke a drug I should try?
Cancelling your gym membership calls for alcohol.
He started me on Celexa. I think I feel like Bjork. Is that normal?
Like... my feet feel like little octopuses, and they want to swim to the next room.
YOU'RE NOT THE ONE BEING EVISCERATED BY YOUR OWN UTERUS SO GET SOME DAMN SLEEP YOU FOOL!
the yoga instructor with the "dirt" and "roots" tattoos is seriously mother nature. i get my period after ever session i have with her. i'm trippin' balls over it.
Divorce can be hard, but look on the bright side. Your soon to be ex raved about your dick and I’m great with hard things ;-)
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