bella threw up all over the kitchen floor then looked at me, laughed, and walked away
isn't bella the cat???
that she is
i just yelled "run, its godzirra!" to an asian kid who looked confused by the tornado alarm test
I did my dad and i had to keep going back there to pick up coffee
please read the first 4 words of that text and consider punctuation
Even after projectile vomiting watermelon on the beach, it still sounds appetizing.
I love my boobs, they're the only thing that supports me. They make me a solid 6.
I was getting sick from all the peanut butter I had to lick off
Stop bitching. YOU SHOULD FEEL BLESSED TO HAVE LICKED PEANUT BUTTER OFF OF THESE TOTTERS
I'm gonna fuck that sweet little pussy of yours into absolute submission
Wow. Sorry. As soon as I sent that I felt inappropriate. But yes. Bring a sandwich after. Lol
I'm taking myself to the hospital right now b/c there is no way this erection is subsiding in the next 4 hours.
Hooked up with an ex Playgirl model. I feel like the universe just high-fived me for staying sober.
You put me in such a good mood with that road head, I bought everyone at Hooters donuts.
What's protocol when the 18 year old son of an anti-gay preacher sends you a message on Grindr during church?
His 12 year old sister has bigger boobs than me and now that's all I can think about when we have sex
dude, last night I won a real sword and a bottle of vodka in a cards against humanity tournament
um care to explain the stolen chinchila under greg's bed..i'd be fine with it if it wasnt chewing up the stash
Don't read too much into what I just sent. I love you, always have, but I'm drunk and sorry for the confusion.
Which part? The boyfriend or the sex?
Boyfriend. SEX IS ON!!!
Randomize
