I think my guts just had a chinese fire drill
....ANDDD I just became confused during sexting and sent my mother a text describing a "porno-worthy cum shot."
Just figured out how to smoke weed with a toaster.
Check if I'm alive tomorrow. If not, tell my parents I died happy and that there's a gay cheerleader in the spare bedroom
I give him blow jobs while he watches sports.. how am I not his gf yet??
I'm already at the bar. It's 2 PM. Help
he spent like 10 minutes trying to convince us that he was throwing up in the bushes on purpose in order to cut weight for wrestling
Lots of alcohol last night skiing this morning = me throwing up off chairlift
I don't mean to ruin your favorite Disney movie...but...we both came when Mufasa died.
i get drunk faster, i spend less money on food, and i'm losing a shit ton of weight. depression and its pills are doing wonders for me
He told me that his greatest skill was making White Russians.
I don't know where I'm at. But I'm pretty sure what I'm looking at is a small bear.
Now I have the opportunity to have Chris Pratt or Channing Tatum?!? What a time to be alive.
Then it hit me - his penis wasn't a shiny new toy anymore and I wanted a new one.
I know he’s married, but he’s still a guy with balls and a dick. He noticed my cleavage and stared at my ass. He’ll call.
Randomize
