Bad news: I had to be at work at 7:15. Good news: no one had used the bathroom yet so I got to defile a freshly cleaned stall
he put a lighter in my cleavage and said "you're like another pocket!"
woke up with the bag of wine duct taped to my shoulder.
At the party. I feel like I just walked into a lifesize blunt.
If you were a real friend you would have told me you saw me in a porno despite how awkward of a convo it is. You act like I should always know when I'm being recorded.
I could have made money off of that but no you had to wait 2 years to drunkenly tell me this shit.
Just know I'm having fun but I still have my motor functions.
So im waiting for someone at grand central and i look up AND THE ENTIRE BALCONY IS FILLED WITH BOY SCOUTS I AM TERRIFIED
It was like a square peg in a round hole... I've never seen one shaped like a stick of butter...
My mom comes home from her weekend with her lesbian co-workers and asks "You wanna know how I got these bruises?" I've never been more torn about anything EVER.
Inebriation Olympics: Team Drunk vs Team Stoned. This weekend. It's on.
He tried to introduce me to one of his friends that kept looking at me and I said "OH NO! I can't do this shit anymore!!" It was like I had a vision of what drunk me would've done in about 20 minutes.
when a dude sends me an unwanted dick pic I just send him a picture of a nicer one. A more photogenic one. A dick with a future.
A+ Viking dick
I have seen you puke and 5 mins later rock my world. So there is hotness there that average people will never see..
Dude, don't beat around the bush. We're fucked and you know it.
Randomize
