Just got my period. I'm not pregnant with Scott's child and I won't be having any sex tonight. This must be what they mean by bittersweet.
Um don't talk to me about fat. I just used my chip bag to cover up all my candy wrappers in the garbage.
Today in psych we learned that you are a whore.
Me specifically?
Yep.
Listening to her yell about my drinking problem is not helping my hangover.
Don't judge me. It was less weird than it sounds when we were in the moment and it was his birthday
someone was throwing condoms at us.
no, they just magically show up around you.
I told him I was engaged, had 911 on speed dial and made him wear his seatbelt, then dropped his drunk ass off at his motel...probably not the night he was expecting.
What did you give her? She's trying to tape her wrists so her hands don't fall off.
It's okay, I found my phone in the toaster oven. Logical explanation: 5 martinis
You know it's been a rough year when your therapist mouth is just wide open. And I didn't even get to the real issue!
He's so drunk he thinks he's the ultimate warrior. Told cops he was from parts unknown. Never broke character
Also, beer. Big fan.
I'm going as your incestuous sister. If thats not the perfect winglady I don't know what is.
Since I won't be making love with anyone on a bed of roses this year on Sunday I bought a Mustang to fill the gap
i left you alone for two hours TWO HOURS & when i got back i had to rush you to the hospital because you were covered in Smooth Away pads & drinking the bong water..
Randomize
