literally had 100 drinks last night.
i just remebered what i did last night, i asked a homeless man on a bike "hey whatcha doin with that bike, wanna make 5 bucks?" he agreed and then rode me on his handle bars a block away to the next bar.
the last three girls i tried to get with all believed in abstinence... i think gods trying to keep me from being a father
i think girls just don't want to fuck you
it's great music for shaving your balls
well as my mentor always said, "Don't antagonize the man whose penis gives you multiple orgasms."
he seriously made his penis a facebook.
Using the salt from a pretzel bag for tequila shots. Come over.
It was just a friend comforting a friend. Except his penis was inside of me.
It was darkish out, I was shit faced, and they should have marked the electric fence a little more clearly. The entire wedding reception saw me run full force into it
The US State Dept doesn't need to know I'm a high strung drunken whore.
He left my apartment when I broke up with him just as my booty call was walking in. It was a little awkward...
I'm 2 beers deep on an empty stomach, and I just wanna say, I pride myself on my use of commas
blue gatorade loses no color upon regurgitation
my dry spell has ended & now it's like a tsunami of dick i can't handle it
Tomorrow is my favorite texting day of the year... It's where I send every guy I've had sex with this past year a text saying "happy not a Father's Day" and we laugh and I get so much dick it's wonderful.
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