Fuck, operation next sex victim is on as soon as i get back. Do not sleep with that red head, nobody likes accidental ginger babies.
So, we're in the car ready to fuck and she asks about my ex. I wave at my lap and say, "bye". She asks what I'm doing. I say, "waving goodbye to my erection"
HE had a tribal tattoo tramp stamp, jasmine.
Hello rock bottom. My name is Jared. Nice to meet you.
which gay bar do you need a ride home from?
I just made a friends list on fb of all the guys ive hooked up with. genius.
Just saw a half naked, drunk, 6th grade math teacher throwing small children around to the Titanic soundtrack.
What kind of wedding is this and why wasn't I invited
We really need to check into harvesting part of our liver now
Woke up handcuffed to a half gallon of beam. Yep. This is my life.
Im sleeping in your bed. Sorry for the sand and the noise and the loud people. Im starving
Your blankets are not drunk friendly
Shit stained towel. The very symbol of how much closer we are as friends. Fall 011... beautiful disaster
OMGGG I JUST SAW A REAL OWL JUST CHILLING ON TOP OF A SIGN POST. I WALKED UP TO HIM AND SAID HOO HOOOOO AND HE TURNED HIS HEAD AT ME AND WAS LIKE YEAHHH BRO
Every time he asks me if I'm horny I'm just like come on...stupid question
I found my grandmother's vibrator, how was your day?
I have no reason to put on pants anymore. This is my new reality.
You threw up everything but your ovaries.
Randomize
