I'm sorry. Both for you two breaking up and because I just ate some of your cheez it's.
your mascara is on the toilet seat from when you fell asleep last night
What's the second line of that rhyme that starts "Vicodin before scotch...?"
I may have broken a few toes and my face hurts. I do know that I pissed the bed so at least I've got some closure there
The good news is that I can 100% reassure you that you did not get knocked up by some creepy Italian dude named Sal Manella last night.
The bad news is that you will never know the name of the guy who may have gotten you pregnant last night because he clearly gave you a fake name, sweetie.
Now that I'm hitting my bong, I realized I haven't missed something so much in a long time. I love Thomas the Dank Engine.
Hey to make you feel better about last night, I just shit my pants.
He used Kanye West lyrics to justify what happened and I accepted his logic
Trying not to look at her chest is like trying to not hear a fire engine racing by.
I don't understand why she gets annoyed by my drunk texts. It means she's who I'm thinking about even when my brain isn't functioning properly.
Your children are clinging to me like my teets are full of bountiful milkiness. They're driving me nuts. I felt my uterus shrivel up.
Pizza and koolaid didn't even make me feel better. This hangover means business
do you ever wish you could like, jerk your heart off and be, like, emotionally satisfied? it'd feel like cuddling.
Antibacterial soap and prayers does not for spermicide make
sometimes you just gotta rip off the nipple tape and get it done.
Randomize
