i just woke up in the woods behind my house in handcuffs and a dan marino jersey ive never seen before
Why did you take off so early
No more beer. And also. Threesome. Maybe. Ill let you know.
Facebook is used to stalk your friends, Twitter is used to stalk celebritie=s, and Myspace is used to stalk underaged girls. Everything else is porn. T=he Internet in a nutshell.
Theres someone in the car behind me eating corn on the cob & talking on the phone
Well, I can't relate. I have no idea what it feels like to withhold sex. Or have self-control in general.
Important info for allergy season. An orgasm will unblock stuffy sinuses.
Needless to say they were not happy to find out that we braided their hair together, when one of them woke up needing to puke bad
So we became Pizza Strippers- we stripped and asked for slices of pizza in return.
Dude! We had to write our address on your arm in permanent marker so you wouldn't get lost. You just showed the cabbie your arm and he drove you! Nice guy.
I am watching xfiles and eating microwaved cookiedough, and I see nothing wrong with it.
I forgot to tell you, that tinder guy literally lives 15 floors beneath me. I have been creepily saying things to him like "I see youve got a hammer on the patio"
I lick assholes and I wouldn't eat mdma
Your Vodka Saturday privileges have been reduced to Beer until you go a full month without losing an article of clothing.
And by "I love him" I mean "I want his tongue down my throat.
Checked my bank account this morning...apparently I went to 7-11 at 4am and spent $22 on taquitos. New all time low for me.
I ate all of them. New all time low for ME.
Randomize
