Woke up in a different state, wearing only a bk crown. My boxers are in a tree and I think I went to the hospital last night.....
I told you not to do acid with the girl who works the late shift at 7-11
her roommate was in the bathroom for over an hour so i volunteered to take the dog out and i shit in the bushes
We were laughing at the passed out guy who had gone to sleep under the car in the McDonald's lot until we realized it was you.
He gets a blow job; I get my oil changed free of charge. And that way I only see him every 2500 miles.
I was so drunk. I apparently did a flip over the balcony using it as monkey bars. Ya I hurt a bit today
So last night ended up making out with a girl going to jail on sunday...she wrote down her address so I can make conjugal visits...
His pick up line was "your one sexy pumpkin, I'd love to carve." Why would you let me go home with him?
My vagina is not really on board with my "emotional issues"
I call BS on that! THAT WAS TOTALLY AN INTERCEPTION. JENNINGS HAD THAT.
PEOPLE ARE FLIPPING FURNITURE HERE. IN THE ROOM ABOVE ME. I HEARD SOMEONE WOOKIE CALL IN ANGER FROM SOMEWHERE IN THIS BUILDING.
I'd be lying if I said I wasn't scared, even a little.
This is what you sent me from the other side of the pool, "Idk but thers a pool n l wanna get naked take off my trunks ill paddle with my dick"
He complimented the perfect handprints you left on each of my ass cheeks.Thanks.
They asked me my level of pain at the hospital and I told them I called my ex 6 times
What's an appropriate gift to bring to my boyfriend's wife's baby shower?
Shame?
At least he uses his lack of impulse control for chaotic good instead of chaotic evil
After returning from the hospital with lock-jaw from getting tackle at the game. Some naked chick busted out of his room and hit him with a devastating haymaker to the jaw because he wouldn't have sex
Randomize
