I just queefed in yoga class and now the old man next to me is smiling at me.
I just saw a like a 30 person deep walk of shame... it was like the million man march but with dorm chicks
He gets a blow job and all I get is a huge scar on my arm ... how is this fair?
We bought home drug tests to see which of us could make it look more like a kaleidoscope. What happened to the days of innocent fun trying to best everyone with a breathalyzer?
Just called my dad drunk from bed to ask for bacon.. my niece texted me when it was ready.. i'm never moving out
Why is it that when I sustain a serious injury people are more concerned with my level of inebriation than my personal safety?
I ACCIDENTALLY HOOKED UP WITH A GUY WHO HAS A NICHOLAS CAGE POSTER ABOVE HIS BED I CANT HANDLE LIFE.
The universe is either telling you 1. you make terrible decisions or 2. its time to let go of your hatred of Cage.
We got high and watched Winnie the Pooh. Isn't that what every normal person does on their break?
SHE'S PREGNANT AS SHIT, AND I JUSR PEELED A CLEMENTINE TO CHASE SHOTS WITH!! COULD LIFE GET ANY BETTER!?
Yeah i like want to be friends with him. And if we have sex in the physics library well thats fine with me
Would you think less of me if I were eating pizza on the toilet right now?
Here's an unsolicited pic of my tits, because you almost died last night.
There's a possibility I may have hooked up with that British guy...
Possibility? You left the door open! Everyone saw!
What are you feeling right now?
Idk. I just flashed a porch 🤷🏼♀️
So not in the best place to do an emotional inventory
It's like Guy Diamond blew glitter into my vagina.
Randomize
