just got my goo swallowed for the first time. colors seem so much more vivid now, and more rainbows are outside
It took you an unbelievable amount of time to realize that your ass was on fire.
i found a beer bottle on top of the urinal, peed in it and put it back... if anyone gets drunk enough to fall for it they deserve it
That feels better than graduating college or that time I tried to ride a llama. Did you know they really spit?
The guy who bit me so hard two nights ago that I had to put Neosporin on my nipple and the guy in my bed right now are two different people. Help
It just wouldn't be valentines day if i didn't invite 90% of the guys i've slept with to go to the strip club with me
He let me finish eating my sandwich while I sat his face. I think I'm in love with this little eager beaver.
Lol. I get my husbands paycheck every week. Immediate deposit into my purse next to his balls.
I just changed all my morning alarms to wake me up with different Jesse McCartney songs telling me I'm beautiful. Would you believe I'll be 25 this year?
Lost my anal v card with Peter Thiel's RNC speech on in the background. Unbelievably appropriate
I did just chug a pint glass of wine during a solid round of masterbation, so I believe I am ready for bingo.
I think I found my saving grace in the form of a beard at the bar.
Dude why can't I remember anything after walking in from my first beer bong?
It was immediately followed by your second, third, fourth and fifth
You know why I love being a regular at this bar? It's because at a certain point last call is only a suggestion.
Even if they did assume we were doing kinky shit, it's not like they're gonna be like, "HALT SATAN! INTAKE SOME JESUS AND VOMIT YOUR SINS!"
Randomize
