Did we have sex?
No you put the condom on then passed out on the bed so I left
Last night, my friend changed all my contacts in my phone. I have been texted by Batman, Donatello, and Hermione Granger. I have no idea who they are, and it doesn't upset me at all.
I should just wear a shirt that says "Im Sorry" on the front because the second we land in Vegas, I'm going to be a fuckin trainwreck.
i think it was just a coincidence but she literally vomited the second she saw my penis.
i have rugburns grass stains and some road rash. im an all terrain slut
Just had a tv talk show interview in my mirror. Got into to some pretty heavy shit man, would have made good viewing.
Now I know he's not trying to fuck me. He took me to lunch at White Castle.
Stop giving guys blow jobs because you're no good and it's messing up my sex life. Word gets around & then they think it's me and don't believe me when I say I have a twin. Learn to stuck dick right.
I just face planted on a condom wrapper in my bed...thought of you.
You're so romantic.
How would your parents feel if we installed a sex swing?
After what I experienced at 6am this morning, all I can say is chew your noodles thoroughly.
There are two guys dressed like Spartans from 300 at this bar and they're making out and I needed you to know this
Red Alert: She has 3 cats, a parrot, and 2 rats. Initiate Protocol Zero and rendezvous at Checkpoint Bravo for debriefing
How so I keep attracting the virgins? HOW?
You talk about your love for your ninja turtle onesie when you're drunk. Are you really surprised?
Yo i still have 5 hrs left of work. I should not be this drunk
Randomize
