I felt like Norm from Cheers walking into the free clinic.
I fucked her while she was wearing her boyfriends dogtags. I'm officially a bad american
But then he started to talk about his wedding he wants and I quote " and yes parts will be choreographed"
She spent a lot of time to get her cleavage to look that good. It would be rude not to stare. It shows you are paying attention. Chicks dig that.
I want to start this convo out by apologizing for the broken toaster.
I feel as though the word "tired" has become synonymous with "too high to manage the stairs" lately
Hey did where's my bong?
In the tree out back .... Top branch on the right
Should I bother to ask?
You fought the bouncer and lost, then challenged a hobo to a 40 chugging contest and lost. Sobriety is a good life choice.
I can't tell if I'm hungover or if my cat just knocked the lamp on my face
Pizza toast. It's like pizza but on toast. BC we are broke. OMG its so good.
You would never do this sober.
I love spring semester, so many high school girls visiting that think I'm the sexiest man alive just because I'm in college
Aren't you gay?
IT'S NICE TO FEEL WANTED DON'T RUIN THIS FOR ME
True love is when you jack off and continue talking to the girl you like
Why do you text me weird shit like this?
I don't want to ruin date night, but you have no idea how hard it is to poop whilst looking at cute puppies.
Being drunk with magicians is fucking mind blowing. This Asian guy just made a platypus appear and disappear. This is not a drill.
I'll bring spiced rum
I am not drinking that devil juice
Randomize
