Ive had to apologize to every girl i know today because of you
I only knew it was midnight because i got happy new years texts while i puked outside
She had to get her inhaler in the middle of fucking...but she kept it in.
I went back up to the apartment to get her phone and when I came back she was peeing on the sidewalk
If I had a quarter for every time I had sex in your bed while you were out of town, I would probably be a lot more willing to buy you new sheets. Hope you're having a nice vacation.
I put labels all over the house on things I think are mine. A cactus, the dog, and a bottle of wine.
DON'T LET IAN EAT HIS PEANUT BUTTER!!!
Just remembered that I poured a whole bottle of tylenol in there. It's chunky. It's deadly.
i figure now that we're number one party school im obligated to black out at least 4 days a week. andddd go.
Just had that moment when you realize the two drunk women shoving all their money down your clothes were your middle school teachers...
By the way, do you realize that you asked me how much you could get for your eggs last night. And once you learned the price said that you had plenty to share.
I have never appreciated strippers so much. Ma'am, you are an artist
I woke up with broken tostitos all over my bed and a snap chat of myself flipping off the camera.
Does being an adult mean drunkenly signing for your tax return from a foreign country? If so, I've reached adulthood.
An orgasm and grocery shopping is the appropriate start to every Monday.
Me saying I wish i was a better person + me pretending I don't want to fuck on my period = me lying
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