My unemployment check should really just be direct-deposited into the checking account of my drug dealer
I wanna get so fucked up that I try to catch a coyote in a pillowcase, breakdance fight a lion, and send back some toast at Denny's when I see its slightly burnt.
Stop. You don't mean that. Tequila might mean that. But you don't mean that.
Remember when we did the egg drop from the Dyson building? Her vag is like that, except with a ham, and the ham doesn't make it. I'll be back to the apartment in ten.
Don't make me out to be the bad guy. You practically MADE me cum on your food.
This morning I proved to myself and all the kids on the playground that I can't puke and drive.
As a side note, my abs are sore. Most likely cause? Orgasms. Thank you.
seriously who else gets carried home puking from a fucking mary kay party?
I got to find out the airplane alcohol limit, and somehow I made it through the flight.
i ended up playing naked naked monopoly and hangman with my dealer. i really love my life.
The cleaning lady even cleaned my bong. I'm scared to open my sex toy drawer and see if and how she organized it
I shit you not. I was sitting on Brian's balcony...still drunk from the night before, and a hummingbird flew onto the patio, stared me right in the face and flew away. I feel like it was God's way of telling me, "Stop drinking."
This is a mass text to all my friends. Whoever gets this first, please find me and confiscate my phone immediately. I am far too high to have it. Even if you have to punch me in my face to get it. Otherwise, let the "High While Analyzing Disney Movies" texts begin.
starting to feel like a fuck wizard with a magical sixth sense for people fucking.
She woke up next me in bed and told me to stop driving so fast.
Randomize
