When I'm drunk and can't pee, I sing my abc's in my head and try to pee before I get to pee. Last night I forgot to do it in my head
I was so high i believed someone when they told me le moyne beat syracuse
I found his backpack for the weekend. All it had was ping pong balls, mardi gras beads, and Tums.
I used his computer to order the pizza and the only thing he had in his search bar was 'text NASA'
What is a foreign vacation of stupidity without some fake names?
Or stump rather since he's possibly large. Large penises don't have tips, just blunt ends of battering rams.
He was wearing an Affliction shirt, a Monster hat, and he asked me for anal within 5 minutes of meeting me. Like 3 strikes and you're out, bro.
Some lady found my secret pooping bathroom at work. Do I fight her Highlander style? I made or may not be fashioning a crude sword from seat covers and toilet paper rolls.
Do it. DO IT. There can be only one.
You, me, naked, mistletoe, fifth of jack, gallon of lube, condoms, Cheetos, handcuffs, rope, along with no morals, inhibition or judgment. That's all I want for Christmas.
I just wanted to be the best at what I did even if that included sexing a whole fraternity or sorority ya know?
every time someone would wish me happy birthday I would be like "thanks happy birthday to you too"
Dude! We had to write our address on your arm in permanent marker so you wouldn't get lost. You just showed the cabbie your arm and he drove you! Nice guy.
He's perfect in every other way. Is buying him a cockring too forward or just honest?
it's a shower with the lights off kind of day
Literally just stood behind a guy in line at Walmart get his card declined when he attempted to purchase condoms. That's rock bottom.
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