I was so hungover I threw up on her when she answered the door. i don't think it was a good first impression
My farts smell like St. Pauli Girl. Last night was too much for a Monday.
We walked in and they were fucking to Somewhere Over the Rainbow... I need a new roommate.
I kept grabbing at Stephanie's boobs because I thought the leopard spots on her dress were popcorn.
I am not one to point fingers but since it says your name "wuz here" next to the dick drawn on my stomach I am holding you personally responsible.
I really hope that wasn't actually his first time. Because if my first time was anything like that I would NEVER have sex again.
The less money I spend on drugs, the happier my mom will be.
Chilling. The soap was talking at one point if I rememeber right...
Long story short he broke into a preschool and threw all their cones into a tree.
You gave your boss a bj to get the safe employee of the month award?
I told this guy in the dining hall that he's a hippie god and he's never made eating yogurt so sexy
So then we ended up at a bar full of navy SEALs and I got one of them to take his shirt off, then I felt him up
I feel like 31-year old me is 21-year old me's hero
Dude is PACKING. And yes I am holding up a cross and holy water and hissing like a pissed off goose.
just answer this one ? for me. why is there human shit in my shower right now?
My husband is waiting until son is napping and air humps as a seduction tactic. Pray for me.
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