i either got mauled last night by a velociraptor or an angry lipstick lesbian. could have been both
i now understand why he chose to have sex with my friend rather then me after lookin in the mirror this morning. and id do the same thing.
we put on a show in the hot tub for our boyfriends, then climbed out and both got down on our hands and knees and puked at the same time--still naked.
I wish you could see the look on my boss's face right now.
wtf?
Before you passed out in the middle of the NHL 10 party you had to prove that you were a better fighter than Patrick Kane. Your not. Thanks for the black eye dipshit.
i need to find a birthday card for her that tells her how happy i am that i can now legally bang her
They have beer in plastic boots. How am I supposed to resist that?
I'm glad the dog doesn't judge me for doing leftover lines and watching George of the Jungle at 10 am
It's like my ice maker knows when I wanna get drunk
No dude trust me, just go a strip club at their busiest hours and pick the ugliest chick. Guaranteed she blows you for under 20$, the record stands at $7.67 and a pen from Bank of America,
Just remembered I hit myself in the face with a bottle then did the nose test and decided I was still good. Don't think anyone noticed.
I feel I should make it clear.....I'm not stalking you, I'm stalking ur dick. You don't even need to talk when you get here. At 4am I think we'd both prefer that anyway.
Nothing screams fatass like a pizza that doesn't fit in your car
I just told the sun to stop. That hungover.
The man who almost made us Eskimo sisters is getting married. Of course I'll be your date. We need to toast the end of his sex life!
1) break up with him. 2) feel bad. 3) fuck some other guy. 4) feel better. Boom! Life plan. You're welcome.
Randomize
