Jon and Kate. Drink everytime we see tears. Drink twice if a child cries. Finish your bev if you cry.
New plan: we get a little bit drunk and go to 24 hour fitness and be eachothers wing people so we can hit on in shape hot people at a gym instead of drunk idiots at a bar.
Just wanted to remind you that you literally cut the underwear off a man.
Who faxed a picture of their penis to the office printer?!
Yeah, he said he was getting "welcome back Winnipeg Jets drunk" then puked on his jersey.
you threw up into the pocket of your shirt. which was pretty damn polite
Its a little weird going to a wedding where I've screwed the bride and my wife has screwed the groom. Great wedding though.
Even with having the shower running and music on everyone could hear the alcohol gods making me sacrifice my dignity and meals from the past week.
Breaking into his house to steal the sheets I'd drunk pissed on before he got home was not how I wanted to be spending spring break
Got a snapchat from Megan last night showing you sobbing about a burrito on the floor with Dan in the background trying not to laugh his ass off
i have pictures frm only 4 hours ago that will fucking ruin you so i suggest yuo come get me.
Where are you?
dunno. ask mike. bring pain killers. and underwear. and my dignity.
I just found vampire teeth and a moustache in my purse. do you know why?
Yeah everywhere i go i feel like a 3rd or 5th or (2n+1)th wheel. That's right, i'm a mathematically depressed drunk.
seriously i don't trust him. he fed me a hot dog out of a crock pot and gave me moonshine dashed jager bombs.
I woke up in a boat, with a life jacket on, tons of beer cans and no lake... I was inside a garage. WTF
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