Listen the way I know if I'm drunk is if I have stage fright in the pisser if I do then I'm not drunk! And I definitely still do right now!
i'm so desperate for a drink right now i looked up the recipe to make pruno
He started yelling "fuck the environment" then puked all over the baby trees
The iPad is going to make my porn collection SO much more glossier... thanks steve jobs.
Wow, I just sneezed gum out of my nose. Wonder how long that's been up there.
Thank you blackberry messenger, for giving me a way to sext faster and more efficiently
She was giving me a handjob while I was wearing a sombrero with a beer in one hand and a hammer in the other.
She tried to kill herself by taking a whole packet of panadol. I mean HELLO THAT'S ME EVERY SUNDAY MORNING.
It's such a good feeling to send those "I'm not in jail" texts on Sunday morning
I dunno... But she calls vodka "dancing juice"
You're worse than that girl who made out with her cousin at that party
That was you...
I want morning sex. We can incorporate maple syrup into it somehow, it'll be fun
I told my manager I was trying to conserve my energy for date night/Sexual Olympics later. That's legit for another break, right?
Thanks for having me over last night. Sorry I licked rum off your kitchen floor.
I swear I'm an adult. I say as I send my mom to go find me green lucky charms and lady gaga oreos
Randomize
