Screwed.edu
so her cute freckles turned out to be blackheads
she said your name and I thought she was asking me to motorboat her. Best. Miscommunication.Ever.
They had a "who can aim further away from the toilet" contest. I'm now washing piss off my ceiling.
I don't talk to her anymore. I lit her birthday presents on fire. Who the fuck puts candles that close to tissue paper?
Woke up with string cheese braided into my hair- literally braided
When you text me tomorrow to remind me to mail your parking pass, also remind me to make sure i did NOT pack my vibrator for this family vacation
So he's compensating for a really small penis. Either that or he's a drug lord.
Dear lord though. So much glitter. It's just a big gay explosion and all of my whore muscles hurt.
100 proof captain the only man who can make me strip during a snowstorm
alcohol and riverdancing are a dangerous mix. have a spraind ankle. i die now
It's five in the morning. wtf?
I'm getting "congrats on your engagement" shots. I need to get engaged more often!
Thanks for letting me cross "getting high at park with children" off my bucket list
So I got a text from him saying "jacking off...thinking of you" I think I'm going to get a restraining order
He's the douchy one who wouldn't let me rip his shirt off, right?
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