Burger king has cupcake flavored milkshakes. God dammit America.
I'm in my winter jacket and nothing else. very drunk. bring bitches.
I don't make the first move. Ever. Unless were playing monopoly cause that's my shit
September 16th, captains log. I awoke in a daze, not sure of my location
Well the weddings in 4 days so I already got the eightball lined up and the wii fit all warmed up. Still wanna bet I wont lose 20 pounds by the wedding?
everything was going well until edgar threatened to handcuff the security guard to himself.
He was with one girl when I went to bed, wad with another when I woke up and now he just told me he was with a 3rd in-between last night and this morning. Jesus Christ.
Maybe it's cuz you slapped him with a pancake last night
I just watched the lion king for the first time in years. It's like the equivalent of a really good blow job.
So nowhere in the dress code does it forbid me from showing up to City Hall in a gorilla suit to meet the mayor.
Jailed a totally belligerent hot guy. That was probably my most thorough pat down. Ever.
I'm only coming over if you have cocaine or a snickers bar
I yelled out "blow jobs!" in my macroeconomics class. Ask me more about how my life is spiraling out of control.
This is a weird combination of planning and sexting but whatever
sorry about your sharpie. alex wanted to shave the left side of his body so he had me draw a line over him with a ruler
Randomize
